Warning Signs

May be apologetic and make excuses for their behavior or becomes aggressive and angry

Is nervous about talking when they are there

Seems to be sick more often and misses work

Tries to cover bruises

Makes excuses at last minute and why they can’t meet you or tries to avoid you on the street 

Seems sad, lonely, withdrawn and is afraid

Uses more drugs or alcohol to cope

Puts them down

Does all the talking and dominates the conversation

Tries to suggest that they are the victim and acts depressed

Tries to keep them away from you

Acts as if they own them

Lies to make themselves look good or exaggerates their good qualities

Acts like they are superior and of more value than others in their home

“Outing” a partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Abusive partners in LGBTQ relationships may threaten to ‘out’ victims to family members, employers, community members and others.

Saying that no one will help the victim because they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, or that for this reason, the partner “deserves” the abuse.

Justifying the abuse with the notion that a partner is not “really” lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (i.e. the victim may once have had/may still have relationships, or express a gender identity, inconsistent with the abuser’s definitions of these terms). This can be used both as a tool in verbal and emotional abuse as well as to further the isolation of a victim from the community.

Monopolizing support resources through an abusive partner’s manipulation of friends and family supports and generating sympathy and trust in order to cut off these resources to the victim. This is a particular issue to members of the LGBTQ community where they may be fewer specific resources, neighborhoods or social outlets.

Portraying the violence as mutual and even consensual, or as an expression of masculinity or some other “desirable” trait.