Warning Signs
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May be apologetic and makes excuses for his behaviour or becomes aggressive and angry
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Is nervous about talking when he’s there
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Seems to be sick more often and misses work
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Tries to cover bruises
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Makes excuses at the last minute about why she can’t meet you or tries to avoid you on the street
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Seems sad, lonely, withdrawn and is afraid
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Uses more drugs or alcohol to cope
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Puts her down
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Does all the talking and dominates the conversation
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Tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed
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Tries to keep her away from you
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Acts as if he owns her
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Lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities
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Acts like he is superior and of more value than others in his home
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“Outing” a partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Abusive partners in LGBTQ relationships may threaten to ‘out’ victims to family members, employers, community members and others.
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Saying that no one will help the victim because s/he is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, or that for this reason, the partner “deserves” the abuse.
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Justifying the abuse with the notion that a partner is not “really” lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (i.e. the victim may once have had/may still have relationships, or express a gender identity, inconsistent with the abuser’s definitions of these terms). This can be used both as a tool in verbal and emotional abuse as well as to further the isolation of a victim from the community.
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Monopolizing support resources through an abusive partner’s manipulation of friends and family supports and generating sympathy and trust in order to cut off these resources to the victim. This is a particular issue to members of the LGBTQ community where they may be fewer specific resources, neighborhoods or social outlets.
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Portraying the violence as mutual and even consensual, or as an expression of masculinity or some other “desirable” trait.
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Isolation: Preventing the victim from learning English or communicating with friends, family or others from their home countries.
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Threats: Threatening deportation or withdrawal of petitions for legal status.
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Intimidation: Destroying legal documents or papers needed in this country such as passports, resident cards, health insurance or driver’s licenses.
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Manipulation Regarding Citizenship or Residency: Withdrawing or not filing papers for residency; lying by threatening that the victim will lose their citizenship or residency if they report the violence.
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Economic Abuse: Getting the victim fired from their job or calling employers and falsely reporting that the victim is undocumented.
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Children: Threatening to hurt children or take them away if the police are contacted.