Warning Signs

May be apologetic and makes excuses for his behaviour or becomes aggressive and angry

Is nervous about talking when he’s there

Seems to be sick more often and misses work

Tries to cover bruises

Makes excuses at the last minute about why she can’t meet you or tries to avoid you on the street

Seems sad, lonely, withdrawn and is afraid

Uses more drugs or alcohol to cope

Puts her down

Does all the talking and dominates the conversation

Tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed

Tries to keep her away from you

Acts as if he owns her

Lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities

Acts like he is superior and of more value than others in his home

“Outing” a partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Abusive partners in LGBTQ relationships may threaten to ‘out’ victims to family members, employers, community members and others.

Saying that no one will help the victim because s/he is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, or that for this reason, the partner “deserves” the abuse.

Justifying the abuse with the notion that a partner is not “really” lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (i.e. the victim may once have had/may still have relationships, or express a gender identity, inconsistent with the abuser’s definitions of these terms). This can be used both as a tool in verbal and emotional abuse as well as to further the isolation of a victim from the community.

Monopolizing support resources through an abusive partner’s manipulation of friends and family supports and generating sympathy and trust in order to cut off these resources to the victim. This is a particular issue to members of the LGBTQ community where they may be fewer specific resources, neighborhoods or social outlets.

Portraying the violence as mutual and even consensual, or as an expression of masculinity or some other “desirable” trait.

Isolation: Preventing the victim from learning English or communicating with friends, family or others from their home countries.

Threats: Threatening deportation or withdrawal of petitions for legal status.

Intimidation: Destroying legal documents or papers needed in this country such as passports, resident cards, health insurance or driver’s licenses.

Manipulation Regarding Citizenship or Residency: Withdrawing or not filing papers for residency; lying by threatening that the victim will lose their citizenship or residency if they report the violence.

Economic Abuse: Getting the victim fired from their job or calling employers and falsely reporting that the victim is undocumented.

Children: Threatening to hurt children or take them away if the police are contacted.